The 3rd deathaversary

03/01/2016 Entry Today marks three years since Brandon died. I sat down thinking that I would write something deep and profound, but for the longest time, I’ve just stared at the computer screen. What the heck do I say about the anniversary of the day I came home and stumbled into a new life, a... Continue Reading →

Guilt is heavy

02/09/2016 Entry Brandon’s death changed me. I don’t think or feel the same way about life anymore. Then again, how could his death NOT change me? It’s these changes that cause me pain. I don’t mean that these changes are bad. Quite the opposite, I think his death made a better person out of me.... Continue Reading →

Passing waves

02/04/2016 Entry The sea has been still and quiet for months, yet now I feel it; the distant angry rumble of the sky, the warm wind turning colder, blowing stronger. The storm is approaching and the calm waters are melding into waves; rising. It’s February, Valentine’s day is coming up soon, and then, well, then... Continue Reading →

He’ll always be 25

07/15/2015 Entry      ***spoilers for Grey's Anatomy ahead*** It really bothers me when movies and TV shows get death wrong. I’m not talking about the actual death, but more of the aftermath of death; the fallout. It never fails, someone dies, and those affected are shown in snapshots of intense grief: crying, crying, screaming,... Continue Reading →

Finding diamonds and gold

06/13/2015 Entry Yesterday, out of the blue, I got the sudden urge to power up Brandon’s phone and save anything and everything I could. You never know when it’ll stop working, right? I got many of his pictures off there (mostly of the various garage projects he was working on). Then I stumbled onto a... Continue Reading →

Terrible news

06/08/2015 Entry Tonight I found out that my childhood friend's little brother died. Apparently he’s been missing for a few weeks and was found dead. His body has been decaying for 3 weeks before the police found him. My friend and her parents had to go and identify him tonight. Jesus. The little kid I... Continue Reading →

A dark beast in the shadows

04/04/2015 Entry I had a panic attack today. It has been over a year since I’ve had one. It was brought on by what is known as a “trigger” in the grief community. The things you learn on this journey... Will and I were watching a TV show, and one of the main characters was... Continue Reading →


03/11/2015 Entry This morning I woke up to the news channels talking about the UH-60 Black Hawk that crashed overnight from Eglin Air Force Base and the 11 presumed dead that were on board. It’s interesting how experiences change us, mold us into something completely new. Two and a half years ago I would have... Continue Reading →

The 2 year deathaversary

02/28/2015 Entry Last night I had a dream Brandon was in. These don’t happen often. Like the others, this one left me sad and in tears. PTSD is funny that way. I don’t remember exactly the circumstances of this dream, but here’s what I remember: whatever I was doing, he was there, alive. I saw... Continue Reading →

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