The 4th deathaversary with a side of meltdown

02/27/2017 Entry

Today is a Monday. Wednesday is that dreaded day, the 4th anniversary of Brandon’s death. Why does society even call it an anniversary? Anniversary portrays a happy occasion. Wednesday is anything but. Anniversaries are celebrated…how can I celebrate his death? No, I really don’t like that word for this. It has apparently taken me 4 years to realize it, but saying “Wednesday is the 4th anniversary of Brandon’s death” just feels like a jab in the jaw. No more of that word.

I really thought I would be okay through this one. For months now everything has been okay, emotionally…I’ve been pretty steady. Then today Will and I get into a fight and I  just melt. It’s not even really a fight. In a fight both parties feel like they’re right; hence the fight, because both won’t yield and admit one is wrong. That’s not what is happening. I’m in the wrong. I feel like such a piece of shit of a person. I very badly tried to explain myself, but even I wasn’t convinced by the shitty explanation I had.

Will says I never listen to his advice, that I always ignore it and do things my way. That makes him feel unimportant and like he doesn’t matter. The only explanation I have is that I didn’t grow up with much advice…hence I don’t really know how to take it. I’m used to just making decisions without input from others. Yeah, I know. I’d hate that explanation too, but it’s all I’ve got. But I suppose at the bottom of it all, I may not be good at being a partner. Hell, maybe I’m just not a very good person. I realized years ago that I wasn’t a very good girlfriend to Brandon. I could have and should have been so so much better.  I was selfish, I didn’t take to heart some things that he really wanted, like moving away from where we lived. I didn’t understand how deep his drinking problem was, and I said all the wrong things trying to fix it. I honestly think I may have been a factor in his decision to die. And that hurts. That eats at me. I hate myself. Now, here I am again, being a shitty partner. I’m making Will feel like he’s not important. Did I do that to Brandon, too? I can’t ask him, so I’m left to guess. He didn’t talk about his feelings like Will does, so who knows, maybe I did make him feel that way, maybe worse. The bottom line is, he left me, and in his darkest moments leading up to his death, I wasn’t the person he tried to call. I suppose that should tell me what I need to know.

God, I’m sitting waist deep in a pretty rad pity party right now.

I hate pity parties. They make me feel so damn weak.

How do I stop being such an awful person?

How do I stop hurting the people I love, just by existing and being me?

The only question swimming around in my mind now is this: how long until Will gets tired of putting up with me and decides to leave? I seem to be very good at having people leave me. Is this just something that’s inevitable?

I wish I was a better person. Will deserves someone great. And I’m so flawed. I hate myself sometimes, tonight being one of them. I wish I could go back to the me before Brandon’s death. At least that me was clueless about how bad she was. This me seems to be more and more aware of the shortcomings and character flaws.

I just hope, wish that Will doesn’t one day wake up and regret ever wanting to tie his life to mine. I make my husband feel unwanted and unimportant. God, that sounds awful. I sound awful.

I wish I wasn’t awful.

I wish I was better.

Will’s birthday is this weekend. We’re supposed to go to Orlando. Maybe I should just stay home and let him have fun without me. I’m sure I’ll find a way to make him unhappy on the trip, anyway. I seem to be good at that. We have yet to go somewhere and not get into some fight, where I’m usually in the wrong and an asshole.

I wonder if his family would still like me if they knew even the half of my shortcomings. I don’t know about them, but I sure don’t like myself right now.

Work is going to be great tomorrow. I’m getting sick and heading quickly into depressed. Great combination. I shouldn’t have signed up to work the shifts I did this week. I should have known that I wouldn’t be okay this week. You’d think I’d learn after 4 years on this roller coaster. But, I guess the moral of tonight is how I’m not very smart, isn’t it?

I wonder if Brandon would be alive today if he never met me back in 2008. Maybe he’d have met someone who would be able to help him. That certainly wasn’t me. I failed him. And it feels like I’m failing Will, too.