07/15/2015 Entry ***spoilers for Grey’s Anatomy ahead***
It really bothers me when movies and TV shows get death wrong. I’m not talking about the actual death, but more of the aftermath of death; the fallout. It never fails, someone dies, and those affected are shown in snapshots of intense grief: crying, crying, screaming, throwing things. Then there’s a funeral, and then suddenly there’s acceptance. And the show goes on (pun may be intended here).
Hey, what do I know? Maybe there are those people who deal with death like that…quick outbursts right after the fact, and then they accept.
Tonight I’ve finally seen a show that pretty much nails death and its ugly aftermath. Derrick died in this episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and Meredith is calm. She signs whatever papers need signing, she listens to people tell her he’s dead, she does to work and tells everyone. Then she faints. At the funeral, she sits and stares. She doesn’t cry, she doesn’t scream. She sits and she stares. To the world this probably seems like a strange response, because hey, you just lost your husband, you’re supposed to be yelling, bawling, and screaming (or so we all learn is the appropriate response from TV).
You know what I was thinking as I watched Meredith? I was thinking, yes, finally. Someone wrote this scene who gets it. There’s no yelling or screaming or crying in the very beginning, at least for some people. In the very beginning you’re in shock, you still don’t understand exactly what’s happened…hence the sitting and staring. I remember I sat and stared a lot the first couple of weeks. I didn’t even really think about much…I would just pick a spot, and stare at it. For hours.
Will I ever stop reacting so strongly to things I see on TV that trigger that night for me? This time I didn’t have a panic attack, but I sat there and I sobbed, because again, I wasn’t at home, I was back in the early days right after Brandon’s death. Everything I felt came back with such sudden clarity. I felt it all again. Will this response ever lessen? I don’t expect it to ever go away…I don’t think you can go through trauma like that and come out okay, not completely. But will this emotional response ever lessen? I hope so.
A few days ago I turned 26. I’m officially older than Brandon will ever be. I’m not totally sure how I feel about it, but it does feel strange; it makes me sad. I guess one day I’ll be in my 40’s and looking back and remembering my forever 25 year old husband. I wonder if that’ll feel weird. I guess we’ll see one day. Because he’ll always be 25.