Birthday blues

04/23/2014 Entry

Today would have been Brandon’s 27th birthday; it’s now the second birthday I have spent without him. Today leaves me feeling…empty and numb. I’m having dinner with his friends tonight and whereas I am looking forward to it, I am also equally dreading it. Last year when we got together on his birthday, ate at his favorite restaurant, ordered what he would have ordered, when I sat there and listened to their stories of him…it was a knife twisting in my heart. It felt so wrong to be sitting there among his friends without him.

It was a stark and clear reality: he is gone. Forever. I’m afraid of what tonight will feel like.

Before the dinner tonight, I plan to take the Miata to get detailed. I haven’t taken as good of care of his car as I intended to. It seems right to make it the prettiest it’s ever been today.

I’m so tired of living in this new world of pain. So tired. Everything good that happens is closely shadowed by sorrow, because he isn’t here to see it. Anytime I feel happy, I also feel sad, so sad. I never thought it was possible to feel two such opposing emotions, at the same time; but it is. I wonder if this is how it will be forever: smiling and meaning it, yet also simultaneously feeling the sting of tears.

Brandon’s absence is a permanent hole in my life, in my heart, in my world. I think I will always feel that empty spot, no matter what. I was looking through our pictures yesterday, and I couldn’t help but notice how happy I looked. My smiles were huge, my eyes had a shine to them. I looked at the pictures I have since his death, and that smile isn’t quite the same, the eyes don’t quite have that sparkle. I wonder if that’s gone forever, that pure, innocent happiness. I fear it is. I miss that girl.

I know I’ve barely talked about the suicide. I don’t think I’m ready to look that fact in the eyes yet. I just can’t understand. I know he was very drunk, but why or what made him get a gun and pull the trigger I will never understand.