Day 327: 01/22/2014 Entry
Today should have been the one year anniversary of Brandon and I being married. I suppose it technically still is, except that he’s dead and I’m technically no longer married. Hmm. Aren’t I cheery today?
Let me start again:
Today Brandon and I would have been married for a year. The curious thing, however, is that I feel nothing. Na da. Zilch. I’m not sad, I’m not angry. I’m not teary. I’m not happy. I’m not unhappy. I just…exist today. If I’m being honest, I can’t remember what he looked like, not really, not without looking at a picture and going, “Oh, yeah, THAT is what my best friend looked like.” I can’t remember the sound of his laugh, the sound of his voice. I can’t remember much about our life together. It feels like all of that was just some dream I had once, foggy and far away. Brain, seriously, fuck you. I know that this is the brain protecting me, but it’s really starting to get irritating. My brain has been keeping Brandon from me for almost a year now. When is it going to let me have that life and all its memories back? All I’ve gotten over the past year are just glimpses and flashes, spaced months apart.
With the above said, however, I think deep down, on some level, I must still be very upset. I say this because I have this unyielding urge to clean, clean, clean. If you know me, you know that when I’m upset or sad, I clean and organize.
Grief is a funny thing. After having it as my shadowy companion for almost a year, it still surprises me. The ups and downs are exhausting. Not being able to have access to most of my memories from Brandon’s and mine life together is frustrating, yet I understand why the brain does it. It’s protecting me in the only way it knows how, by taking away that which made me so happy, and in turn, that which would make me so sad and hurt now. It’s kind of funny, in a terrible way, how efficient our brain is.
In exactly 5 weeks, it’ll be a year since his death.