New year, new beginnings

Day 312: 01/07/2014 Entry

Somehow, 2013 is over. It’s now a new year, a new “beginning” as many people like to say. In many ways it does feel like a new beginning.

Will and I are moving in together next month; I know it’s very soon, but it feels like a natural and good step. I love being with him; he gives me strength.

Brandon’s case is officially closed now. I got the life insurance check in the mail. Oddly enough, after I got that check and looked at it, all I could feel was anger; some towards Brandon, but mostly, it was just anger at the world and the way things happened this past year.

Today, I paid off a good chunk of my debt with that money…it feels wrong, I hate using that blood money for anything. Yet what else can I do? It’d be stupid to do nothing with it, I realize that. But the feeling I have using just a penny of it is so dark and terrible; this money feels so heavy. So, it would seem receiving that check kicked me into the “anger” phase of this process. My friend Debbie said something profound when I talked to her about it. She said that “at least it’s showing that you’re moving and not standing still.” I think I have been standing in place since September when the detective first called me; I haven’t done much in way of dealing with anything…I’ve been doing what I do best, stay busy and try to not think about it.

I miss Brandon. I miss his smile; I miss the sound of his laugh. I miss his mind and how he always had an answer or explanation to everything. I just miss his presence in my life. I think I will always miss and love him, I don’t see that going away. I think I will always wonder what our life could have looked like together.

Will is wonderful; I don’t know what I did to ever deserve him. He’s kind, understanding, and patient. He sees my scars and somehow still wants me, widow baggage and all. He makes me feel treasured and special. When I’m around him, I feel the calmness of peace.

It’s such a strange experience to love two people…it really is.