Shadows over happy

Day 285: 12/11/2013 Entry

I’m starting to wonder if I can be happy, just happy anymore, or if that died with Brandon. What I mean is, I am happy; I have many happy moments – moments in which I can laugh with abandon and feel it deep in the soul, moments when I’m glad to be alive, moments when I actually look forward to the future.

Meeting Will has been a godsend. He makes me feel happy in this new life…I actually feel happy, down to the center of my being happy in this nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from. But none of that leaves me feeling just happy; this happy is overshadowed by doubt, worry, and insecurity. Whenever I feel happy, it is immediately darkened by a little voice that whispers and slithers in my mind; it tells me that this won’t last. It tells me that something bad can and probably will happen, that I shouldn’t get too comfortable. It makes me worry about accidents, disease, heart attacks, tumors, viruses. Human life is so very fragile, after all. This voice is a constant companion, and it is a companion I cannot escape.

Whenever I think about the future and Will, I’m so happy to have found him and that he is a part of my life, I feel truly lucky…yet I also can’t help but think: what if something bad happens, again? What if one of us gets sick? What if one of us dies in a car accident? He’s got a pretty dangerous job, what if he dies in some accident? What if I come in contact with some terrible disease at work? I can go on and on.

So is this how it’s going to be from now on? I’ll be able to feel happy, but that moment will immediately be overshadowed with constant worry and what if’s? Can I really no longer JUST feel happiness? Will it always be “I feel happy + worry + doubt + insecurity + anxiety”? Maybe…maybe this is just a new “normal” that I should accept.