I’m thankful

Day 272: 11/28/2013 Entry

Thanksgiving. Even though we never had a set tradition for today, I still feel it, stirring just below the surface: yet another “first” without Brandon. It has been 272 days since I last saw his sweet smile or the special glow that would sometimes light up his eyes whenever he’d smile at me a certain way; it seems no matter how much time elapses, I’m still very much aware of just how long it’s been. I by no means make a conscious effort to keep track of the days, but as if there is a timer ticking inside of my mind, I’m always aware of the exact passage of time.

Most of November I’ve seen posts about all of the things people are thankful for, and due to this being the worst year of my life, I haven’t had many thoughts on the subject. But that’s not entirely accurate or true; I do have things to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for our pets, because the simple truth is they kept me alive when all I yearned for was the welcoming silence of death.

I’m thankful for my Mom and Dad, because they genuinely love me and would probably do anything I asked of them (a bit thankful they didn’t commit me, either, for some of the things that came out of my mouth in the beginning).

I’m thankful for the people who hurt and disappointed me, their true colors showed and they are no longer a part of my life; they helped me become stronger and facilitated in the forging of the person I am today.

I’m thankful for the people I call friends, because they kept me alive and gave me hope, even if it meant simply talking, bringing me food, getting me drunk when I needed it, or dragging me out of the house and back into the world I so frantically wanted to avoid and hide from.

I’m thankful for the sand, the waves, the sound, and the smell of the beach; because it managed to bring me the tranquility of peace I so desperately needed when nothing else did.

I’m thankful that life intersected my path with someone who is genuine, kind, honest, silly, and for the first time this year, gives me a fresh, profound, and bottomless breath of hope about the future.

I’m thankful for the 5 years and 5 weeks I had with Brandon, because he was a wonderful person who constantly went out of his way to help people without ever expecting anything in return. He was that rare person that was truly the definition of smart (maybe even hovered on genius); he could look at anything and see how it worked, how it could be fixed, how it could be improved. He had strong beliefs and opinions, and he stuck to them, no matter what. He showed me what it felt like to be truly and completely loved. I feel honored that I’m the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

So, with the above said, today is the first Thanksgiving without Brandon. It is also today that I got the final report from the ME’s office. It is today that I sat by the gentle glow of my lamp and read my best friend’s complete autopsy report and wept for the senseless loss of such a wonderful person who had so much more to offer to this world.