Day 214: 10/01/2013 Entry
It has been a while since I’ve written; since I’ve felt the urge or need to write. For the first time on this journey so far, I seemed to have shut down, mentally and emotionally, and no matter how hard I tried, words, emotions, anything I usually use to dig into my depths and express myself simply vanished.
For the past 21 days, I’ve felt simply…empty.
For lack of a better explanation: emotionally constipated. I didn’t cry for weeks, I didn’t get blind-sided by random little things throughout the day that reminded me of Brandon; I just blissfully felt NOTHING. So much ‘nothing’, in fact, that it even started to concern me, make me feel abnormal, like something was wrong.
And then I got the voicemail…from the investigator on Brandon’s case with the police.
He he is ruling Brandon’s death a suicide.
Whatever emotional dam that was blocking everything out and making me numb finally started to leak, and it continues to spurt new holes.
I’m starting to crack. I see it. I feel it. Waking up every day seems pointless. Everything I do, from grocery shopping to doing things with friends, seems like I’m just going through the motions, not really being in the moment and enjoying it. It feels like autopilot. I hate so much. I’m starting to feel anger well up. I spend most of my days off in bed staring at the TV. I don’t want to talk to people; mostly everyone seems to think that things are better because I’m functioning normally out in the world, but then again, they don’t see the mess I become once that front door closes behind me and it’s just me and these empty walls.
I know at some point I’ll have to deal with my apparent inability to open up to people and talk about my feelings about this whole mess that has become my life. I felt like I could, and started to with Computer Guy, but, well, look how that turned out. He’s leaving. This morning he told me that he was really going to miss me, and all I could think was, “But not enough to stay.” It’s always been hard for me to find people I’m comfortable with enough to open up to, and he was one of them. Now I’m back to clamming up and dealing with things alone.
At the end of the day, though, when all is said and done, that’s what I am now…alone. I better get used to it.