Unique shade of pointless

Day 183: 08/31/2013 Entry

I don’t have much to say anymore in here, do I? I find myself empty. I find myself not caring about the future. I find myself wanting to stay in bed and not speak to a soul for weeks. Everything has lost meaning to me. Everything has been painted in the unique shade of “pointless”.

Yesterday was 6.5 months.

I mentioned a while back that I haven’t had any dreams of Brandon in months. Well, I had one the other day. It was strange. We were at the house we started to move into, yet it looked exactly like it does now, empty. It was locked up, and we had to sneak in. His dad ended up showing up, and we had to get other people we were with to distract him up front as Brandon and I snuck out back. I don’t remember many of the details, but Brandon ended up saying that he had to hide from his dad. He snuck into the back of the car and got under some blanket, hiding. How strange is that? I don’t know what to make of it. Maybe it’s just my anger/hurt/irritation with his dad that is manifesting in dreams now.

Will I ever feel normal, unbroken?

Will I ever feel happy again?

Will I ever look forward to living, to a future?

Will I ever return to being “me” again?

Will I ever want to share “me” with someone?