Cruel, cruel dreams.

Day 193: 09/10/2013 Entry

I had a dream about Brandon last night.

It disturbed me. Deeply.

He was alive, yet I still had all of the memories from the night I found him dead, and the lonely and painful months afterwards. But for whatever reason, he was suddenly back. I don’t remember much of the details, but what I do remember is feeling completely terrified and scared when I sat him down and asked if he killed himself that night. I felt my heart thunder in my chest as I asked the question that was weighing so heavy on my heart. He told me that he didn’t, that it was someone who came over that night. Before he could say anything else, I woke up.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry; never leave my room again. I hate this. I hate not knowing what happened that night, I hate that he was so suddenly ripped away from me, I hate that I can’t have a single nice dream of him; all of the ones I’ve had are so cruel.

I hate going through life like this, so alone and lost, hating every minute of it. Why did this happen? Why is he dead? How can I possibly be expected to live the rest of my life without him?

 

Some song lyrics that resonate with me:

Let Her Go by Passenger

“Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep
‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Well, you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go”

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