Day 179: 08/27/2013 Entry
Computer Guy wants to move back to Texas. He put in a job application last week, got a call back, and has had a phone interview. He says he can’t handle this town anymore. A part of me understands…there are days where I think it would be easier to just pack up and move somewhere new, without memories of a past life I can no longer have. I don’t think that would solve anything, however, because moving away isn’t the same as dealing with whatever it is one is trying to run from; it’ll follow, like a shadow.
I’ll admit the idea of him leaving here, leaving me, hurts; I’ve shed my share of tears over him already. I feel a real connection with him, something I thought I would never experience again, and it would be a shame to never find out where we could have gone together. But, me being me, I just closed off the hurt part of myself and put on a brave, indifferent face when around him. I was slowly inching away from him.
Then, last night, after days of not talking to him, I randomly run into him downtown. I don’t understand why life keeps tossing him across my path, over and over. So last night he told me that he’s missed me, that he’s thought about texting me to say just that, but didn’t because he figured I would just say my usual, “What does it matter if you’re leaving?” Touché. I probably would have said that, being the prideful and stubborn person that I am.
My friend H, however, had some wise things to say to me last night. She thinks that I need to put my cards on the table, so to speak, and tell him exactly how I feel, because if I don’t, and he leaves, I will always regret not being honest and upfront, wondering what if I said this or that. She doesn’t think that doing so is “weak” (like I have thought before), but empowering, since this puts the ball in his court, and if he leaves, then I’ll always know that I did all I could.
After thinking on it, I realized she’s absolutely right. Tonight he and I are getting together for dinner, so I plan to tell him how I feel. I’ve been thinking about what to say and how to say it all day, and I’ve come up with this: I really care about him, I think that given the opportunity, we have potential, and that I want him to stay. Three very simple yet honest things. We’ll see, all I can do is be honest, and see what happens. Life’s too short, after all.
In other news, since my therapist got a new job, I had my first session with the new therapist; she is pretty terrible. I don’t think I’ll continue to see her, I may go one more time, and say my goodbyes. She did give me contact information for a local “survivors of suicide” group, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to pursue that yet. But, I have the information at least.
Well, I told Computer Guy how I felt. From the sound of it, he’s pretty much decided to move away and start over, so my “feelings” kind of bounced off a wall. I truly think even talking about them was completely pointless, but at least I can say that I stepped out of my comfort zone and was honest. He’s emotionally unavailable, I get that now. What a shame, too, because we are such a good fit for each other. But, disappointments seem to come easier now after Brandon’s death; it’s almost like I don’t expect to really be happy again; so when something comes along that does make me happy, like Computer Guy did, in the back of my mind I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop and for that feeling to go away. I suppose it’s a natural reaction to trauma; all the books say so, anyway.
So, having the realization that there will never be anything resembling a relationship between us suddenly dawned on me, I gave in to my other impulses and went home with him; we slept together, and I ended up spending the night. What can I say about the experience? We still have great chemistry together, and being in his presence still gives me a sense of peace, but it wasn’t the same, not like it used to be between us; I didn’t expect it to be. This was just sex and though I enjoyed it, it was just sex.
Another new experience I can add to the list I’m rapidly forming this year: had sex with someone just for the sake of sex. Well, maybe not entirely, because I do have feelings for him, but knowing that there will never be “more” is kind of the same.
I look around at my life, and my God, I don’t recognize what I see. Even after 6 months, my life with Brandon still mostly feels like some distant dream I had, like it wasn’t real…he doesn’t feel real, and yet his absence slices me like a knife. Explain that. I feel his absence every day, at work, in the car, at the grocery store, when I’m out with a friend…his being gone is everywhere. I just want him back. We had such a good life together, we were both happy. I feel like a shell of a person; empty, breathing and functioning, but empty where in matters. I can’t even begin to explain how exhausting it is to just exist. That’s all I do anymore – exist. I suppose to the outside I seem to be doing okay, because I go to work, I socialize, I don’t randomly break down in tears out on the street. I feel so frozen, though…frozen and numb…indifferent to everything. Nothing touches me the same way it used to, it’s like I’ve become completely closed off – cocooned even. I admit that I should probably find someone to talk to, someone to share my feelings with, but honestly, I just don’t care to…it seems like too much effort. Or maybe it’s the whispering voice in the back of my mind that says, “If you let someone in close again, who’s to say they won’t leave you, too?”
And I think that’s at the core of it all…people leaving. When I moved here from my home country, I lost my biological Dad and Grandma. Sure, that wasn’t their choice, so they didn’t “leave” per se, but the end result is that they were no longer in my life; gone. I struggled with the loss of my life and people I left behind for years. When I finally started to come out of it a little, I met my high school love and fell blindly and stupidly in love with him. But he left, too. His parents were moving up North, and he didn’t want to stay down here with me and get a job, so he chose to go up there with them. Then there was Brandon. I had 5 years and 5 weeks of happiness with him, the person I finally chose to marry, to spend the rest of my life with, and it looks like he left me, too, by shooting himself one night and letting the unsuspecting me find him hunched over in his chair, a gun in his lap and hand, already dead. Now, fast forward to Computer Guy, someone that fell out of the sky and landed at my feet, someone I wasn’t even looking for. He made me feel hope, hope for the future and maybe being happy again. I felt a real spark and connection with him; we meshed together like a well-oiled machine on so many levels. And look, he’s leaving, too. I don’t even know why I continue to be surprised anymore; I should be used to it by now.
Just what is it about me that makes it so easy for people to leave me? I can’t help but sit here tonight, and feel like a kicked puppy. I feel so fucking pathetic sitting here, crying. I’m so sick and tired of crying. I know Computer Guy leaving isn’t directly about me, but just the same, his leaving signifies he’d rather leave here than stay and be with me. That’s the line in the sand. God knows why Brandon chose to leave me…I may have my suspicions, but I’ll never know, not really.
It really hurts to not be enough for someone you care about to stay, it really does.
I think I’m done trying to find the best in things or to find that elusive concept called “happy”. I’m done. I’ve gone out on my share of shaky branches, and they all snapped. I’m done. I’m just not going to try anymore…hard to be disappointed if you don’t try, right? I’ve had just about all I can handle of disappointments. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that you’re better off alone. The only person you can count on is you.
If Brandon could only see me now: unhappy, indifferent, and apparently okay with having sex with a guy just for the sake of staving off loneliness. I hate that he did this to me; his death broke me. I don’t recognize who I am anymore.
From now on, my priorities are my job and taking care of the kitties. Everything else can just go to hell.
Oh wait, it’s already there.