I don’t recognize myself anymore

Day 170: 08/18/2013 Entry

I seem to be reverting back to the way I lived for the first two to three months after Brandon’s death: I’m sad and depressed all the time, on days off, I sleep until 2-3pm, I spend entire days in bed watching Netflix, I don’t want to see or talk to anyone, everything seems pointless and not worthwhile, I lack the drive and motivation to do anything productive. I barely eat, and when I do, it’s something like mac and cheese or junk food. In the last two days, I was off work, and both days, I stayed in bed sleeping until after 2pm, and spent the bulk of the day in bed watching TV. I’m back to not being able to fall asleep until the early hours of the morning…I’m thinking about taking sleeping medication again (or drinking…that worked too before). I hate this new life. I miss Brandon. So much.

I’ve made no progress in unpacking. I have been here for almost a month now, and outside of the day to day things, I haven’t unpacked anything. What’s the point? I’ll only end up moving somewhere else, at some point.

It all seems so pointless, the rest of my life.

I can’t read anymore, though ironically, I did unpack my books; they were one of the first things I did unpack. Now they sit on the bookshelves, untouched, unread, uninteresting, mocking me. Why does it feel like Brandon’s death took with it the person I used to be? I don’t recognize myself anymore.

I’m getting urges to go out to a bar, drink, dance, kiss a stranger.

I have the urge to skydive.

I have the urge to get back into Scuba diving.

I have the urge to move to a different part of the state (or a new state all together) and start all over.

I have the urge to find some guy to sleep with and nothing else.

None of these things the old me would think about, much less consider. Now, they seem like plausible ideas. After all, they all have one thread in common: they would temporarily distract me from the black hole that my life has become…they would distract me from missing a part of myself, from missing Brandon so much I ache.

Tonight at dinner with a friend, she mentioned that maybe I should consider moving somewhere new, to start fresh. The idea never honestly occurred to me, until now. And why not move? I don’t have anything holding me to this place anymore. Nothing. My day to day life feels so empty, so meaningless. I drive by the streets we used to drive on, places we used to go to, and restaurants we used to eat at. This whole town is filled with ghosts.  Sure, there’s my family, my friends, my job, but in reality…none of those are anchoring me here.

Maybe it would do me some good to go somewhere new, to start over, and to meet all new people – get a new life all together. After all, I already got a new life, but one I didn’t choose. This would be something of my choosing. It does sound appealing, to move to a place where I don’t know anyone and no one knows me. At least it’s something to consider…this seed has been planted now.

I don’t even know why I’m rambling about this. I’m not in the financial position to move anywhere, at least not for another year or two.