Day 166: 08/14/2013 Entry
It’s almost been half a year since my Brandon died. Half a year. Holy hell, where did the time go? This has been the longest and fastest 6 months I’ve ever experienced, at the same exact time. How do you explain that to normal people? I never thought I would survive this long.
This whole week has been a bad one. I’ve cried every night in bed. I’ve cried just about every day in the car. I’ve cried at work. That physical heart ache and chest tightness that was so prevalent in the early weeks/months has come back. I’ve spent the last three days I was off from work torturing myself by looking at every single one of our many pictures, over and over. I even looked through his computer for the first time, and found a bunch of videos his friends made of him doing stupid things like mudding with his truck, shooting guns, and other “guy” shenanigans.
Watching the videos for the first time made it feel like he was almost alive again, and damn if watching him, alive and laughing, didn’t tear up my heart. On my days off I also reverted to my early comforts in this journey: spending entire days in bed, teary eyed, aching, blinds closed, and staring at Netflix on the TV. I haven’t had one of those days in a while; I usually keep myself pretty busy, distracted. But not this week. This week I feel like all of my energy, will, and motivation have been seeped out of me, leaving behind an empty shell.
The irony of all of this: people think I’m doing so much better. I feel like with every month that goes by, I actually get worse. Like tonight, I’m sitting here, unable to stop crying or feeling sorry for myself, holding my chest periodically because it literally hurts, wondering why I have to stay living in this crappy, unfair world. I’m royally pissed at the fact that I have to go to work in the morning, because that means I can’t spend the entire day in bed crying and hating the world.
Yes, my DGI friends and family, I’m doing so much better.