6 month deathaversary, loneliness, friend with benefits

Day 168: 08/16/2013 Entry

Tonight is 6 months. I see and feel myself sliding back down into that dark, damp, cold cave I have just recently managed to stick my head out of and see a glimmer of sky. It must be raining where this cave is, because I feel myself being swept away by the gentle yet persistent waters from this rain, and I slide, slide back into the darkness, back into self-pity, back into immeasurable sadness. I am not sure I have the strength or will power to try and crawl back out again. Why bother? The sky will darken, the rain will come again. Nights like this, it’s so hard, so unimaginably difficult to find a reason to keep going on in this life, going on in a world without my best friend. The future seems so empty, cold, and bleak.

Recently I convinced myself that it was a good idea to be, for lack of a better term, friends with benefits with Computer Guy. To not have any expectations, to not have any pressures or weirdness…to just have something simple: companionship. In my eyes, it seemed like that’s what we were before; after all, we weren’t defined, we didn’t have a title, we just hung out together and had a physical relationship. Why should it be any different now? So we kind of talked about it and kicked the idea around. A comment he made set me back a ways. He said that it would be strange because before, it had felt like whatever “it” was that we had between us, it was developing into something deeper. He’s absolutely correct. I realized that, and only that, is the difference between then and now. Then, we had the possibility of becoming something real, something genuine, something lasting. Now, if we go back to how things were “then”, it won’t be the same at all. Instead of not knowing where we were heading, I would know that we were heading nowhere. And that makes all the difference, doesn’t it?

If I’m being completely honest with myself, when I was explaining my thoughts on this, I said something along the lines of, “It’s not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend before. I don’t have any expectations like that from you.” And hearing myself say that, it hurt, and that surprised me. I guess I should take that as a sign that clearly care about him, huh?

I’ve talked to some people about this FWB idea of mine, and the most common thing that was said to me was: FWB can only work if there is no emotional attachment. Well, hell. I suppose I am emotionally attached to him, aren’t I? I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. Before any of this mess with his ex happened, when we were just “hanging out” and being undefined, whatever was between us sure felt like something real, or at least it was heading that way. To me, it felt like we fit together so well, with our personalities, likes, hobbies, weirdness – we had nowhere to go but closer together. And it hurts to have that be cut off so abruptly and suddenly.

After Brandon died, I was so certain I would never feel anything close to that with anyone again, and I had started to work on accepting it. Then Computer Guy came along, and I saw something real with him, and damn it if it didn’t stir something in me I thought had died; hope. I thought, hey, you were wrong, you CAN have such a bond with another human being again, you can be happy and full again, it’s possible. I don’t know if I should be happy I had experienced that, or angry and wish it never happened to begin with so I could still be in the dark about such a bond existing as a possibility. Isn’t it cruel to have this cross my path so soon after losing Brandon, to tease me, to get me to maybe hope again, only to be taken away? I think it’s very cruel of life, universe, God, or whatever it may be out there.

So, perhaps FWB isn’t the best idea I’ve had recently. I obviously want more with him than that. I’m usually not in the habit of lying to myself, so I won’t start now. I want more than just “hanging out and having sex periodically” with him. I want the possibility of a relationship, I don’t want to ‘draw lines in the sand” or set limits on anything, I want to just go with whatever happens naturally; I want to know he wants and feels the same. But he doesn’t, or at least he’s got too much going on, and that is that. I don’t even know why I’ve been trying so hard to make something working out of all of this. I guess I just hate the idea of losing this possibility/chance at something genuine and good with him. Maybe I’m just lonely. This widowhood thing is such an emotional mess.

So this FWB idea seemed good in theory.

But no, it’s not.

It’s unfair, and I would only end up getting hurt. I’m already hurt, but going down this road would hurt more. Maybe I just need to find a sex buddy, with nothing emotional attached. Emotions are sucky bastards.

Something that continues to surprise me: when whatever “it” was first started with Computer Guy, I was sure it would be me and my emotional baggage to ruin it. I’m very surprised that we’re over because of his issues.

I was so sure it’d be me who screwed it up.

Small silver lining, eh?