The things death takes away

Day 161: 08/09/2013 Entry

Being loved is a wonderful feeling. To know that one person on this planet knows, understands, and values you enough to completely and wholly love you, the you that wakes up with messy hair, the you that laughs at inappropriate times, the you who makes stupid jokes, the you that is sometimes too sensitive, moody, or grumpy – without hesitation, without doubt is wonderful. And it really sucks to lose that, beyond my ability to put into words.

I lost who I was when Brandon died, I think I truly did. The person I am today is a complete stranger…I don’t recognize her.

I haven’t read a book in almost 6 months. I have tried; I simply can’t. I can’t focus, I have no desire to sit there and soak in another world. Reading used to be such a big part of me…I would read a book in one sitting, sometimes multiple times during the week. I have loved reading since I was eleven or twelve. Now that part of me is just…gone. Sitting down in a comfortable chair on a rainy day and reading just doesn’t even sound appealing anymore.  It hurts me to realize that I may have lost that part of myself with Brandon’s death, and it makes me cry.

I haven’t made tea in almost 6 months, either. I used to drink tea daily; Brandon called me a tea snob. He used to be sweet and sometimes make me tea, bring it to me in one of my favorite mugs. I have so many different varieties of tea, so many different pots and cups, and they all sit packed away in a box now. I have no desire to touch or go near them. Why? Why can’t I do the two things I used to love so much?

All I do now when I get home is watch Netflix, or I go out and do things with people to keep myself busy, to keep myself moving, active. I used to love spending time by myself, reading, listening to music, drinking tea. Now it seems I can’t stand to be in my own company for too long, I need to have a distraction of some kind present.

I hate this. I hate that his death broke the person I was.