Day 163: 08/11/2013 Entry
I don’t know if it’s because next week is the 6 month mark of Brandon’s death, or if it’s other bumps and bruises in my personal life, aka Computer Guy, but I’m finding myself thrown back into the dark pit.
Truthfully, I think it’s a combination of both that is causing me to backslide into the hole I have worked so hard to peak my head out of; I have by no means completely climbed out of it, but I have at least glimpsed some daylight and skyline while clinging to the walls, trying desperately to keep from sliding back down. But back down I go…
I can’t stop crying. I had just laid down to go to sleep tonight when this wave of nauseating and soul wrenching sadness washed over me and completely knocked me down. I haven’t been able to stop crying for over 30 minutes now. Well, crying at this point maybe overstating it a little, it’s more like dry heaving.
In the almost 6 months since Brandon’s death, I have never had anything like this. I’ve cried, God knows I’ve cried, but never this much at once or with such intensity. I had to put my hands over my mouth to try and stifle the animal noises that were clawing their way out of my throat. I fucking hurt. Mentally, emotionally, physically. It all hurts.
Until tonight, I don’t think I ever realized how completely alone I am in this world. The person that I could come to with anything and everything, the person that knew me best on this rock of a planet, is forever gone. He’s never coming back. Ever. He’s dead. It’s just me. For the rest of my life, it’s just me. I’m 24 years old, and I have to spend the rest of my life without my best friend, the person I wanted to grow old with. I have never felt as alone as I do at this very moment. There is no one I can call. Sure, I have people in my life, but no one I feel comfortable or right calling at 11pm while sobbing uncontrollably and feeling so damn sorry for myself. It’s so powerless and isolating to feel this crushing loneliness pressing down on me.
Since his death, people have kept telling me how they admire my strength. Strength? If they could only see me now, a pathetic, puffy-eyed, sobbing, dry-heaving mess that can’t get off the damn floor or stop shaking. I just laughed, actually laughed, because what I wouldn’t give to see people’s faces if they ever knew this side of me even existed. I guess I’ve done a good job trying to keep a positive (as positive as it can be) attitude the last 6 months, because outside of my friend on the night I told him what really happened, no one has seen me break down. Is that something I did wrong? Should I have let myself be more emotionally out there and let people see just how truly weak I am? Is tonight the price I’m paying for that? Have I maxed out my quota of the “keeping my shit together” allowance life divvied out?
With everything life has dealt me, I have had to learn to be strong and independent, even before Brandon’s death. His death hardened my resolve to be strong and walled in even more. Everyone just mistakes that for me being “better” or “coping” or “being strong”. I’m not. Hell, look at me now.
I’m having a hard time seeing the point of any of this. Do I wait a magic number of months/years/whatever it may be, meet a great guy, be happy, get married, have kids, etc? None of that seems in the cards for me anymore. I think I’m too damaged and broken for that.
So what is the point? Taking care of our cats? Yeah, that’s the only reason I didn’t pull that trigger or swallow all those pills my doctor gave me in the early months. My Dad would take care of them, I know he would. So it’s not even that anymore. What the hell is the point? I don’t want to live anymore. Not in the “I’m going to off myself” way, just…I don’t want to exist in this shitty world. I’m not suicidal, just…scraping bottom. It seems I have completely slid down to the bottom of the pit I have worked so damn hard to crawl to the top of. Now I’m back down at the cold, damp, dark bottom.
I hate him for leaving me. How could he do this to me? It’s days away from being 6 months, and I think the truth of him just being gone, forever, for the rest of my life, is just settling in around me.