Like a stone in my heart

Day 158: 08/06/2013 Entry

I’m hurting a lot today; all day at work I’ve had to hold back tears. That physical ache in my chest from the early days is back…I have almost forgotten what it felt like. I feel so alone…so abandoned. I wish I could understand why Brandon left me like this, so alone, so wounded, so hurting, so damaged. I know he truly loved me; I saw it every day in his actions, in the way he looked at me, in the way he took care of me. So why, why did he leave me? Why do I deserve to feel this emptiness in my heart for the rest of my life?

I hate this new life. I hate it. I’m tired of getting up each day, putting on the face, and going through it alone, carrying his absence like a stone in my heart, fenced and stalked by shadows of our life’s’ memories. So many things remind me of him, of us. Each one is an ache in my heart, a tear in my eye, a hitch in my breath, an angry curse at the universe.

I think some of this was brought on by Computer Guy. Last night he told me that he found out his ex was seeing someone and had an unexpected reaction to the news. He said it felt terrible, like a gut wrenching feeling. So apparently, he still has unresolved feelings with her. He was being up front and honest about this with me, and I appreciate that, I do. That doesn’t make it suck any less. I told him this morning that he should take some time and figure out what he wants. I won’t be someone’s second choice.

To my own surprise, this has really hurt me. I’m not even sure why it has affected me to this extent…it’s completely stupid. It hasn’t even been two months since he and I started seeing each other…that’s no time at all. I guess I really liked him, felt a deep connection, and thought that it could go somewhere.

Stupid, stupid me for not protecting myself better.

I should have known better…it’s barely been 6 months since I’ve lost Brandon, of course everything emotional would be magnified for me. Well, lesson learned. Be more guarded; stop being so open, stop trying to make life normal. Clearly, life is anything but. I hate feeling vulnerable, again. Helpless, again. Like the choice has already been made for me, again. I hate it. It makes me feel so weak, so powerless, so not in control.

I’m pretty sure he’s going to go back to her. I’m trying to adapt a mindset of “hey, it’s over, it was nice, but it’s over” to start preparing myself. I’m not really one to pine away, waiting for someone to drop me crumbs. I think I’m too prideful for that. In this regard, I’m very much like Mom: I will cut my losses pretty quickly. Maybe that’s just another defense mechanism, who the hell knows. Maybe I’m just jaded.

One thing I know for certain, though, is if he goes back to her and it doesn’t work out, I won’t be able to go back to him. Again, I refuse to be second choice. I don’t deserve that. I deserve someone who wants me, and only me. I deserve that. If there’s any doubt, then as my new motto goes, it is what it is, time to move forward.

Thinking about losing Computer Guy really hurts me, though, and I wish I could make it stop.

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