Tonight I ache

Day 150: 07/29/2013 Entry

I miss Brandon so much.

I miss having someone home waiting and excited to see me after a long day.

I miss having someone that knew everything about me, the good and the bad, and still love me endlessly and honestly.

I miss his hugs.

I miss his sense of humor and his mind.

I miss him explaining how something I couldn’t care less about works.

I miss him tugging on my toes and reciting the “this little pig went to the market…” saying as he tugged on each one.

I miss him waking me up for a kiss at the crack of dawn before leaving for work.

I miss knowing no matter what hurts me or makes me upset, I can always go home and tell him about it, and he would care and give me advice.

I miss the sense of security and completeness I felt with him…I feel so alone now. So completely alone. I have my friends, family, and Computer Guy, but deep inside, I feel so very alone. I think it’s because none of these people know or understand me like he did, and losing the person who knows you best in this world is a very lonely and isolating feeling. It really fucking sucks that he’s dead and I’m left here trying to figure out how to live with that fact.

We were supposed to go on our honeymoon in September somewhere in the mountains. As September creeps closer, I find myself feeling anxious and sad. Instead of being happy, content, and married, I will be aching from missing him and the future we could have had together, forever saddened that the future we planned will never come to fruition.

The police still haven’t finished their investigation yet. It’s creeping up on 6 months and I still haven’t heard a peep out of them about what they think happened that night. I’m not angry at them anymore, I understand that they have probably sent off the gun and whatever else for ballistics testing, but this isn’t a priority case, so why should they go out of their way to make it speedy?

It’s okay.

At the end of the day, that report will make little difference; Brandon will still be dead, no matter what they say. I’m pretty sure that they will rule it a suicide. The chances of a Glock going off accidentally are pretty much zero. Add to that the fact that his hand was still wrapped around the gun when I took it from his lap that night, and I just don’t see how it can be anything BUT a suicide.

It makes me so damn sad, so deeply sad. I had no idea anything was wrong. Why didn’t he talk to me? I keep thinking about our wedding day, and how he had tears in his eyes because he was so happy. He gave me the biggest hug when we got home and just held me, with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. He said that me becoming his wife made him happier than anything else ever could. So why did he abandon me just 5 weeks after getting married? Why didn’t he talk to me? He knew he could have talked to me about anything.

I don’t know the point of this entry. I just miss my best friend so much tonight.