Day 137: 07/16/2013 Entry
I officially hate packing. I can’t help but think that the last time I spent this much time tossing things in boxes was with Brandon next to me, happy and excited about our life together. Everything seemed okay when it was the two of us doing it. Moving? Sure, no problem. We’d do it. And there it is…we. There is no “we” anymore…it’s just an “I”. It will always be just an “I” now, because my Brandon is dead. I miss our “we”. We made a good team.
I can’t help but think as I pack all this stuff into boxes that it’s not just things I’m packing. It’s the future I no longer have, it’s memories, it’s all the things I have left of “Brandon and I”, it’s my old life, the one I miss so dearly sometimes. Sigh. This is much harder emotionally than I originally anticipated. I knew it would be hard, but damn.
I have always disliked packing, maybe because I moved one too many times in my life. This time around, I still hate it, but this time, it’s completely different. It is turning out to be much more of a challenge than I originally anticipated. Putting everything I own (and “we” used to own) into boxes is like a stinging slap across the face: the life I had is over, really over, and what lies ahead is something completely different, unplanned, unexpected…it’s my “new” life…the one without Brandon in it. There is no “we” anymore, it’s just me. From here out, any and all decisions I make, I will make myself, without his opinion. It’s ironic, but until I suddenly had to make decisions on my own, I never recognized just how much I relied and wanted his input on things. And that’s the core of it: until Brandon was no longer in my life, I never realized how much I relied on him. Somewhere in the course of the last five years I seem to have let the reins loosen on the independent, self-sufficient girl I used to be before Brandon, and I let myself lean on him, put my trust in him, depend on him, let down whatever walls I had. I’ve never done that before…completely and truly trust someone, without boundaries and without holding back. He saw me for who I am, without games or pretenses, at my best and worst, and he loved me, really loved me.
That is the one truth I have: he loved me. So it doesn’t matter what the circumstances of his death were or how he died; that doesn’t matter because those facts do absolutely nothing to change or tarnish the facts of the last five years of our life together, of the beautiful person he was, of who we were together. Nothing. It took me a long time to understand that, but I finally do.
So here I am, moving forward in life, taking little steps away from my old life…packing and putting belongings into boxes; putting away his things, our things, our memories. This truly does feel like that cliché saying: a chapter in life closes and another opens. I am opening a new chapter; I’m going to a new place, one where it will be just me. I’m going to continue living, meeting new people, making new friends, having new experiences, finding new things to smile about. Does it completely and utterly suck that I will do all those things without Brandon? Yes. But, it is what it is…I am powerless to change anything, I can only accept this new path I was thrown on and keep going.
It’s very humbling to realize just how completely powerless a person is in this life. We all think that we are in control of our lives, that we determine their directions, that like a ship captain behind the wheel, we can decide to go left or right, towards land or further out to sea. One thing I have learned in the past five months is that control is a finely crafted illusion. We all think we are in control, but truly, we are not.
I have always been a planner, someone that looked ahead in life and planned. I had wonderful plans: I finished school, married my best friend, we were going to move into a new house, go on a honeymoon in the mountains. I was going to start cooking more since I didn’t have school eating up all of my free time, I was going to start a garden for the same reason, we were going to buy new furniture, I was going to decorate our home, I was going to get a big Christmas tree and just go all out with decorations, we were going to get a dog (after we finished arguing about what kind), we were going to have a child together, we were going to send said child to a private school and teach him or her to be a good person, we were going to take vacations together. I had a good life planned. In one single moment, in just minutes, that all crumbled and burned to the ground. So no, we are not in control of our lives…I learned that lesson first hand. It’s a painful lesson to learn. Now I’m on a new road, armed with the knowledge the past five months taught me.
So, now that I’ve blabbed on and on, I’m going back to packing.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve broken down into tears today.