Lifting a weight off

Day 118: 06/27/2013 Entry

I told Computer Guy about the night Brandon died and let him read the first entry of this journal of mine.

I remember I sat there watching him read it, and my heart was beating so fast, thumping, because I was scared, so scared of what his reaction would be. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he ran in the opposite direction; I might have, if the circumstances were reversed. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but he surprised me. In that weird, insightful way of his, he GOT it; he got that the night played on repeat in my mind constantly, that I had endless what ifs. He said that it didn’t scare him away, which was a shock to me. In my mind, who the hell would want to deal with all of this mess? I’m still going to have bad times, even if I am doing better today than I was 4 months ago. Today is just today. Tomorrow I might be a heap on the floor.

Joys of widowhood.

I don’t know. I just don’t know what it is about him that makes me want to be an open book about everything. In some strange way, since telling him about that night, it feels like something heavy has been lifted; it seems like it’s gotten easier to breathe. Crazy, right? I don’t have the words to explain it.

I’m going to go to work now and kick this situation around in my mind some more. Work, I’m finding, is a great place to think about things.