It used to be home

Day 119: 06/28/2013 Entry


Yesterday was a busy day.

I made the decision to move back in with my Dad.

Computer Guy and I kissed.

To elaborate on the first, I have just had something dawn on me quite suddenly: this doesn’t feel like home anymore. I no longer look forward to coming here at the end of the day, I no longer feel like I would rather stay here than go out, and if I am out all day long, other than the cats, I don’t even think about or miss this place. It has just become a place where I sleep that houses all of my stuff (our stuff?).

It used to be home…I used to love being here. I still remember the excitement I would feel when getting home late from work, and I would see that the lights upstairs were still on…it meant Brandon was up and playing around on the computer, and that we would get to talk and hang out before bed. Such a simple thing, but oh how it made me happy. Now, when I come here and see the lights are on upstairs, I know it’s because I left them on, due to the fact of not wanting to come home to an empty, dark house alone. How quickly things can change…in less than half a year, this place went from “home” to “just a place”.

Also, it doesn’t help that I walk by where he died every day. For the most part, I have learned to just ignore that place, almost not even see or acknowledge its existence, but…that night is always just out of reach, clinging to the corners of my consciousness, whenever I walk by. And, whether I like it or not, my life has changed now. I’m on a completely different, uncharted road. It’s only a matter of time before I move out, so why put it off? Putting it off for a year, or two, is not going to change the facts; the life I used to have is gone forever, and what I wake up to every day, is something completely new.

                “You were like home to me

                I don’t recognize the street”

These song lyrics resonate with me. Brandon WAS home to me, and I no longer recognize anything that used to bring me joy or comfort. His loss has forever altered me. Some say that I’m “strong”, “brave”, and “courageous” for dealing with everything in the manner that I have…but I honestly do not see myself that way. I see that I’m doing my best and damnest to survive. I see a girl who lost a future she thought was forever hers, who is doing her best to see the silver lining, to cling to being as positive as possible, to rebuild her life, and who still has nights when she just sits there and cries, cries her heart out because of everything that has been handed to her to deal with…it all sometimes feels so heavy, she almost cannot breathe under its weight. And after wallowing in the sad and hurt, she picks herself up after the wave has passed, and faces another day, trying to make the best of it. That is who I see; not someone who is strong or brave. I just see someone who is trying to survive and accept reality. I truly never thought anything like this could ever happen to me…how could I just find my Brandon dead one night? Things like that don’t just happen…and the sad lesson to be learned here,  is that things like this happen every day, to many good, undeserving people.

To elaborate on the second part of yesterday…Computer Guy and I kissed. I ended up staying the night at his house, and I remember laying there with him, falling asleep, when I felt him kiss the back of my neck. It was just a quick kiss, but feeling his lips on my neck set my body on fire. It made me want things I thought I would never want again. I think we spent a few minutes laying there and then I ended up turning towards him. I remember looking into his eyes, feeling my heart beat speed up, and the next thing I knew his lips were on mine and mine on his. We had a few slow, careful kisses, and they were enough to make me realize that I have some serious chemistry with him. The most surprising thing? I felt absolutely no guilt for kissing him. None. Zero. Why not?? Shouldn’t I feel guilty for someone other than Brandon kissing me, holding me? But I don’t.

For whatever its worth, I hope to see him again soon. I also wouldn’t mind kissing him again.

He makes me feel like a teenager again, eager, excited, scared, and nervous. I never thought I’d feel this way again…

It’s nice to feel something other than pain for a change.