Day 116: 06/25/2013 Entry
I seem to have made a new turn on the winding and twisting road that is this journey.
I’m tired of feeling like a kicked puppy, covering in a corner, sad, afraid, and hurting.
I’m tired of feeling completely powerless, being swept away by all these waves and not caring where they take me.
I’m tired of wallowing in what ifs.
The simple truth here is: it is what it is. Brandon is dead; there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that shitty fact. The life and future I thought were going to be mine are no longer a possibility. Because of one moment, one simple moment, I have been uprooted from everything I was so sure of would be mine forever and planted on a new, unknown, undiscovered field. For the past four months I have been standing there in this new field, frozen, afraid, and not daring to move.
But I need to.
I need to take a deep breath and take a step, then another, and another. I need to start moving forward. I’m not saying I need to move on…I don’t honestly think there is such a thing as “moving on”; Brandon’s loss will always be my heart’s companion and I will always miss him…his absence will always hurt me. But I need to start picking up the broken pieces and finding a way to put them back together again…I need to start moving forward. Because another simple truth is I’m not dead, I’m still living (though the past few months I have felt dead) so I need to make the best of life and the cards it has dealt me.
It sounds easy, doesn’t it? Far from it. Even though I have more okay days than not, there are things that knock me flat on the ground. Yesterday I was walking around a store and came across a display of Sriracha hot sauce. I felt my chest tighten and found tears in my eyes, because he loved that stupid rooster sauce, he’d put in on absolutely everything (sometimes simply because he knew that I didn’t care for spicy things and if he put in on his food it guaranteed I wouldn’t mooch off his plate). Standing in the store, memories washed over me, and I found myself crying because he would never again get to drown food in the rooster sauce he loved so much. While at the dentist, a commercial came on, and it was for the funeral home we used, so while the commercial showed pictures of their pretty foyer and the nice, inviting atmosphere, all I could see was myself, sitting in that pretty room, numb and frozen, listening to the funeral service of my best friend, watching our pictures flash by on the screen.
So no, this isn’t an easy journey; I’m not magically all better…I’ve just grown stronger. Every time something knocks me down, I lay there for a minute, let it wash over me, and then I get back up.
It’s all I can do at this point, just roll with the punches.