Learn to play the cards you’re dealt

Day 109: 06/18/2013 Entry

Today is Brandon’s brother’s birthday…he’s not doing very well. I can understand why; Brandon isn’t here to call or Skype him and say “BROTHER!!! IT’S YOUR BURFFDAYYYYY!” in that silly, high pitched voice of his. It’s just one more glaring reminder of our new reality, and our new reality sucks.

Yesterday my therapist told me that in her opinion, I’m doing well and moving through the “checkpoints” at a healthy, normal pace. Hearing that surprised me, because it doesn’t FEEL like I’m doing all that well. Yet if I really think about it, I guess I have come a long way since March. I don’t need to take anything to help me sleep any more, I’m not drinking with the sole goal of getting drunk anymore, I don’t feel overwhelmed and completely surrounded by the pain and sadness 24/7, not like I did in the early months.

I’m trying to adapt a “it is what it is, I can’t change anything, so I might as well try and make the best of it” attitude…because I CAN’T change anything, so why not look for the small silver linings? I’ve also realized that I will always miss and love Brandon, he’ll always be a part of my life, I’ll always wonder why or what could have been, but the sad truth is, it’s my life now, not “ours”. I’m still living. So I have to do my best to pick up the pieces and as much as it pains me, find a way to move forward.

Is this the life I would have chosen? No, of course not.

But these are the cards I’ve been dealt, I can’t give them back; I just have to learn to play them.