Glimmer of hope

Day 110: 06/19/2013 Entry

Computer Guy. I’m not sure what to do about him. He confuses me. I find myself having very strong feelings towards him, which is just completely unexpected. I thought that I was broken, damaged, crippled and couldn’t feel these things anymore; apparently, not, because here these feelings are, staring me in the face, knocking on the door and saying hello. And that scares me. Really scares me.

I feel a strong physical attraction to him, but that’s not even the half of it. We have so much in common, from favorite things to just how we think and look at the world, it’s freaky. It seems like we are on the same wavelength. I like his mind, I like his creativity, I like his nerdy/goofy side, I like that he’s different. The last couple of times we saw each other, towards the end of the night, I never wanted to go home, I just wanted to stay there with him, talking. That is so weird for me, especially so soon.

So, here we are. I wasn’t looking for anything, but I seem to have stumbled onto something anyway. He makes me feel like a nervous, twitchy sixteen year old girl with a first crush…didn’t think I was ever going to feel that way again, seeing as I’m too damn old to be so weird around a man. Seriously, what the hell? I keep asking myself that question.

I’m not sure what it means, but I took off Brandon’s ring yesterday, and haven’t felt the need or want to put it back on. This morning I put it in the jewelry box with my engagement ring. For some strange reason, it feels right to put it there. I wonder what my therapist will say about that.

I spent this morning looking through Brandon’s external hard drive from his computer. I found a whole bunch of pictures, and looking through them, I found myself tearing up, but I also found myself smiling at the memories.

I also found myself reading my journal from the beginning. Going back to the first day, reading all of my thoughts and feelings, seeing how they have evolved over the months, I can honestly say I have come a long way. I thought life was over, that there was no more point to anything, but today, as I sit here, I don’t feel that way. Maybe for the first time since March, I feel a glimmer of hope, that maybe I’m capable of being okay, of maybe one day being happy again. Maybe I’m not as completely irreversibly broken as I thought.

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