Excited little flutter

Day 105: 06/14/2013 Entry

(I’m not going to use someone’s real name in this entry, as I don’t have his permission to do so…so we’ll refer to him as Computer Guy)


Today is 15 weeks…in just one week it’ll be 4 months. I don’t understand where the time has gone. I know I haven’t been writing much, not like before. I’m not sure why I don’t, but mostly I feel like what’s the point of writing the same thing?

“I’m sad, blah, blah, I miss him, blah blah, what will I do if it turns out he killed himself, blah blah, I’m sad, this really sucks, blah blah.”

You get the idea.

I just don’t see the point in repeating myself. Not much has changed, not really. I don’t cry as often, but when I do, it pours out of me like rain. I go to see my therapist, I take my meds, I go to work, I make time and effort to get out and do things – story of my new life.

One new thing in life is Computer Guy. I’ve known him for about 3 years; he was a regular at my job through college, and we started talking years ago, and continued to do so. A handful of weeks after Brandon died, he sent me a message. What he wrote resonated with me; it just seemed like in some weird way, he understood, and was just genuinely concerned for me. I replied, and we started to chat again.

Long story short, yesterday we met for dinner. The evening was weird. Not a bad weird, just an…unexpected weird. What I mean by that is, we couldn’t stop talking. During the day yesterday I wondered if it would be awkward to see him, but clearly, not. I found myself telling him honest things I’ve been feeling and thinking; I don’t do that very often with people. But for whatever reason, with him, I did. That was completely unexpected to me. The other unexpected thing was the fact that he just got it. He may not understand the entire intricacy of this shitty situation of mine, but I just got the feeling that he understood more than anyone has. I felt completely comfortable talking about Brandon wit him. He said that there’s no point in ignoring the elephant in the room; I’ve used those same words before, verbatim.

Computer Guy said that he wouldn’t treat me any differently because of the situation, which is true, I don’t get the sense that he’s treating me in any “special” way. That is a relief, because EVERYONE has changed how they treat me. I don’t blame them, because I understand why they did, but still, it’s so freaking refreshing to spend the evening with someone that still looks at me like I’m a whole, normal person, instead of damaged goods.

Oh, he also dropped the bombshell that he had a crush on me, and that he understands my situation, and he’s going to go slow, whatever that means. I just remember sitting there thinking, “wait, go slow? We’re going somewhere?”  Yeah. Hearing that made me twitchy to run away, far, far away. I really have no idea what to do with that admission of his. I guess like two sides of the same coin, since I feel this weird compelling to be open and honest with him, apparently so does he.

But damn if I didn’t get an excited little flutter.

So, as I was driving home yesterday, I kept thinking, “Damn it, damn it.” I didn’t expect, or truthfully, want to get along so well with him; I didn’t want or expect to feel whatever it is that I’m feeling. I think that we’ll just stay friends, get to know each other.

When all is said and done though: damn if it isn’t nice to feel alive and a little hopeful again, even for a little while.