Far from okay

Day 85: 05/25/2013 Entry

Yesterday marked 3 months…really? How can it have only been 3 months? And then again, I can’t believe it has been this LONG already. It’s bizarre…it feels like it was just yesterday and 50 years ago that I last saw Brandon – at the same exact time.

I don’t have a better way to describe this strangeness that is my new normal.

Brandon’s brother and his wife came into town this morning. I went over to his dad’s house with them; note to self here: ALWAYS drive myself. Anyway, tonight he is cooking some food, so the conversation turned to getting some ribs. All I heard was one of them say that we were going to stop by Sam’s Club and get some that are already defrosted. It suddenly felt like all of the air escaped my body; I got tense; my heart rate increased; I got teary eyed. Just at the mention of going to Sam’s. I felt like I immediately had to go home; I asked if we could stop by on the way. They asked why, and I just said, “I can’t go to Sam’s. I can’t go.” They understood and dropped me off.

When I got back home, I had tears rolling down my cheeks; I had to sit down on the bed as sobs took over; it was hard to breathe. It’s not as bad as the panic attacks from before, the Lexapro seems to mellow the intensity, but I still had a panic attack today. I haven’t had one since I started the happy pills; I thought that it completely took them away. I was wrong, it would seem. So here I am, waiting for them to let me know when they get back, so I can drive my own car over, because apparently I learned today that you never know when a desperate need to escape strikes.

I have never felt so weak. I have never had just the mere THOUGHT of going to a place completely knock the breath out of me and leave me fighting off a panic attack. The feeling of complete weakness and helplessness I felt today was overwhelming; I have never experienced that, being swept off my feet by this huge tidal wave of raw emotion. This is what my new life is going to be like?

I thought I was doing okay; yesterday was 3 months. I haven’t cried in days, I managed to pay the bills on time; I still get up and go to work.

I thought I was okay.

Today set that record straight; I am so far from okay it’s almost ridiculous.

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