Day 80: 05/20/2013 Entry
The beach seems to be the only place where I feel some peace and calmness. It’s something about the waves crashing on shore, the vastness of the horizon, that unique salty smell. I have been driving out here more and more recently. About a month ago my therapist told me to find a place where I actually enjoy being, a place that brings me good feelings; I have found it.
I spent a few hours laying on the sand today, listening to music, and floating in the emerald water. And I actually enjoyed myself. A part of me feels guilty for doing something that I enjoy when he is dead…will that ever go away?
I actually smiled when I saw two sting rays swimming close to shore, playing, and chasing each other in the water. It was beautiful to see; I wondered if they were mates.
After work, I stopped by a Chinese buffet and got two boxes of stuff to go. The lady at the checkout took out two forks and some napkins and put them in the bag. I opened my mouth to say that I don’t need two forks because it’s just me. But I’ve come to that exhausted point, where I’m just tired of explaining that my husband died, so no, I don’t need two damn forks for the Chinese food, or that the only reason I’m getting two boxes of food is so that I don’t have to leave the house tomorrow on my day off to GET food. So here I am, sitting on the couch, staring at the two forks on the coffee table, mocking, and this feeling of overwhelming sadness is drowning me. This is my life now…one fork, instead of two.
On a very tiny bright side, at least I don’t have to wash an eating utensil tomorrow.