The things I miss

04/29/2013 Entry

I had today off. Mondays are when I see my therapist, so I did that early in the morning, then went to Target and did the grocery shopping I’ve been putting off for weeks (who knew, you really CAN run out of things to eat). Just for the hell of it, I also got two bathing suits, since I plan to spend a lot of the summer out at the beach (hey, maybe a shark will eat me and put me out of this misery…a girl can dream!).

After dragging all of the bags inside, I did a load of laundry. While that was going, I went into Brandon’s office, sat in the chair he died in for the very first time, looked at his desk, computer, all of the papers he had everywhere, and just all of HIS things, and had a nice little melt down. I had to do that because the last couple of weeks, I’ve been unable to remember anything about him, what he looks like, our life together, how I felt with him…my stupid brain has gone into protection mode. So I have barely been crying, I’ve just been on autopilot, going through the motions of everyday, so I felt like I had to MAKE myself remember, even if just for a while. My therapist said I shouldn’t do that, but I had to. I WANT to think about him all the time; I want to be drowned in memories…then I would feel closer to him. Instead, my brain gives me nothing. So I force it to remember sometimes, by doing things like sitting in the chair he died in, or looking through all of our pictures, or looking at all of his clothes and belongings. When I do these things, it comes back, and I feel alive again, in pain, but alive, instead of this robot that I seem to have become. My therapist says all of my memories will come back with time, but I guess I’m just impatient.

So after that experience, something in me snapped. I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned the house. I threw old things away, I dusted, I swept the floors, I even Swiffered them. Now, there are no more cat tumble weeds blowing about. So after getting everything clean and organized, I went out to the store again and got new sheets and new pillows. I don’t know why, I just did. Now there are new sheets and pillows on the bed (I put the old ones in the closet with some of Brandon’s things…I can’t throw them away). Then, I did another load of laundry. Still can’t wash the damn dishes, though.

I think I did more today than I have in the past 59 days combined. I am now exhausted and sad, because Brandon would get a kick out of how clean and pretty everything is, and he will never see it.

I miss my best friend…I miss doing nothing with him and enjoying it. I miss talking to him about my day, about the stupid stuff that no one else cares about. I miss hugging him. I miss racing to the bed at bedtime, because the last one to the bed had to go and turn off the lights. I miss texting him sweet little nothings, and getting them in return. I miss talking to him in the middle of the night when we couldn’t sleep. I miss kissing him, touching him. I miss grocery shopping together, or going out to dinner. I miss holding his hand while driving. I miss knowing he would always text me if I was late coming home to see if I was okay…no one cares like that anymore. I miss making breakfast together on the weekends. I miss him kissing me on the forehead. I miss his cute nicknames and sayings. *sigh* I just miss him being in this world.