After getting home from work, instead of my usual routine of getting into pj’s and crawling into bed and zoning out to TV, I lost it a little and tore through the refrigerator, throwing away almost everything in it. It’s strange, I could remember when we bought each item I tossed into the trash bag, I could remember the conversations we had while buying them. The things we got on our last trip to the grocery store together were the hardest…I held them and cried, thinking, if only I knew then that he would never get a chance to eat this yogurt/cheese/etc…if only I knew that this was our last shopping trip together. After the refrigerator, which is now bare (not like I eat much these days, anyway) I attacked the pantry. I just kept touching things, some that have been there for over a year, some that were purchased within the last few months, and tossing them in the garbage bags.
I’m not sure what possessed me to do this today; I just remember standing there in the kitchen one minute, then grabbing a trash bag the next and tossing most of the contents of said kitchen. I ended up with 4 big trash bags of stuff, that I now need to take to the bin, which will take me 4 trips. That leaves a bitter taste, because all I keep thinking is that if Brandon was here, it would only be 2 trips, and we would talk and laugh during, and he would probably make fun of how weak my woman arms are.
In my fury of throwing things away, I apparently acquired multiple cuts on my hands; I don’t even know from what. I just noticed my hands were bleeding. I hate how little I seem to notice these days.
When I was at the eye doctor on Tuesday, the form they had me fill out asked my marital status. I circled ‘widowed’. It wasn’t until today that I realized something. I never had a chance to circle ‘married’ on a form…Brandon died 5 weeks after we got married. Yet here I am, circling ‘widowed’ without ever having circled ‘married’. How shitty is that?
Tomorrow is two months. It has already been two months. How can that be?
And I still can’t wash the dishes, because the last plate he ate from is in the sink.