Day 37: 4/8/2013 Entry

I think I’m going to stay away from Facebook for a while. A friend just posted that he’s engaged. I’m happy for him…I am, but when I read the post, my first thought was, “I hope one of you doesn’t die suddenly.”  I haven’t been able to stop crying and sobbing for the past hour…I still can’t. I felt possessed to look at all of our pictures again, to read our last text messages. How can this be my life now? How can I never see Brandon again?? I don’t understand how he’s just gone…here one day, gone forever the next. I wish I knew on February 28 that he was going to die the next day…I wish someone would have told me, warned me, prepared me…something. Looking at all of the pictures and the dates (damn you, digital age) it kept echoing in my head, “Here we are two years to the day before he dies” or “Look, here’s him sleeping…he’ll be dead this time next  year.” I did that for EVERY picture. This pain is unbearable. It will barely let me breathe…the tears and sobs won’t stop. I find myself on the cold floor, shaking, panting, crying. This is the worst pain imaginable. How can he be dead? Why? I wish I didn’t go anywhere that night, I wish I stayed at home, I wish I came home sooner, maybe things would be different and he would be here with me today. How can a life be ruined in a 15 minute window?

I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. It’s too much. I have no one. My friends have stepped away and my family can do nothing to help me. Nothing can help this. I can’t do this anymore. ..it feels like my heart is being physically torn in half, squeezed,  ripped out…it’s having such a hard time beating.  Every day I feel a hole in my being; there’s something missing.  I want to go back to who I was, I want my life back. I don’t want this. I want my best friend.  When will I wake up from this nightmare?

I can’t get off the floor. I can’t stop crying.  I can’t stop holding his clothes. I wish I could stop living…just stop. Why couldn’t I die, too? Life seems so empty and meaningless. How can a person survive this much pain? It doesn’t seem possible.