Hello, denial.

Day 40: 04/11/2013 Entry

I seem to have crawled back into the ‘numb’ cave and curled up in it to stay. I’ve had some really bad moments lately, moments I’ve written about already, but today, I haven’t even cried. I just lay here on the couch, and gaze at the TV. Aside from feeding the cats and cleaning their litter boxes, that is ALL I’ve done today…it’s all I’m going to do. There are things I should be doing, like cleaning (man does this place need cleaning! I’ve done nothing in terms of cleaning for over a month), washing dishes, taking trash out…regular, ordinary things. But all I seem to be able to make myself do is go to work and then lay on the couch staring at the TV all the other times I’m not at work. My heart still hurts and feels really heavy, it beats abnormally, there’s a sense that something is terribly wrong, I feel it…but, all I can do is lie on the couch and stare at the TV mindlessly. I feel like I should be screaming, crying, breaking things, being angry. I just feel too tired to do any of that.

Is it normal to not cry all the time? I feel like I should be crying all the time. The last couple of days it feels like the life I had before with Brandon was just something I dreamed, that it didn’t really happen. It’s hard to remember him, us. When I do, it’s like remembering a dream…it’s all foggy and the details are hard to make out. I just still can’t understand the concept of “he’s dead and gone forever”, even 40 days later. My mind just can’t wrap itself around that…it won’t. There’s no way someone who is so young and healthy can just not exist anymore. There’s no way that we won’t get to paint our new bedroom, or move into the house. There’s no way he will never see our cats grow, and there’s certainly no way that he will never be a father. There’s no way that he won’t see all of the new limbs one of my cactuses (cacti?) is growing. There’s no way that I will have to keep coming home to an empty house, going to sleep alone, going to the store alone. There’s no way any of those things can be true. Am I in denial?