03/29/2013 Entry

I spent most of today sleeping and laying on the couch under a big blanket, with two cats sleeping on me, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I got up and showered at 5:30 tonight. Yup, this is my glamorous life on a day off. Apparently, when there is no one that expects me to get dressed, show up, and pretend to be alive (work), I just do nothing all day. After yesterday’s crash, the tears are coming easier now. Where I used to go a whole day without crying, as soon as I woke up this morning the dam broke. I went back into the numb after a while, but it’s not lasting as long anymore.

I also had another first today. I felt furious. Downright, fire spitting, angry. At the world. At everyone. At having to go through this. At being alone. At having no one to talk to. What did I ever do to deserve this? Why was my best friend in this world taken away so suddenly and without an explanation? I have always done what was expected of me: I got good grades in high school, I didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs, I got a scholarship, went to a community college, got a job, paid for my own car, went to a university, graduated, passed my license exam, got a dream job, got married. And then, five weeks later, I come home and find my Brandon dead. DEAD. Poof, gone forever. How is that fair? We were good people. We had a simple life; some might say boring…but I LIKED my boring, simple life. I want it back, damn it. I don’t want to keep waking up alone, going through the day alone, and falling asleep alone. I DON’T WANT THIS LIFE. So today, for the first time, I felt furious. It went away as quickly as it came, but I enjoyed furious. Furious took the pain away. Furious didn’t make me cry.

I also want to add that at some point during one of the Buffy episodes, when I started to think about everything, I didn’t cry. I actually laughed. I laughed. I think I’m slowly going insane.

So after that little self-pity episode, I decided to actually get out of the house and go to Target. The cats were out of food and litter, and I needed some coffee creamer. So I got to target, found a good parking spot, realized that this was the first time I have come here alone, without Brandon. I took a deep breath, and went for it. I saw couples everywhere, walking together, laughing, looking at laundry detergent, walking through the food isles, or trying to decide what brand of tooth paste to buy. That used to be my life a month ago. So being aware of all of that slumped my shoulders a bit. I had to choke back some sobs while walking by the camping section, Brandon used to always stop there and look at things, talk about going one day. I saw a giant display of Easter cards in the center, and remembered that not that long ago, I was at that very spot, picking out a Valentine’s Day card for my new husband. I was so giddy with excitement that I actually got to buy a card that said “husband” on it. Two weeks after giving it to him and seeing tears in his eyes from happiness, he died. At this point in my Target journey, I felt like leaving the shopping basket in the isle and running away.

I ended up going to the frozen food section, because I can no longer cook anything (Brandon and I used to always cook together). As I was standing there, looking at all of my different choices for gourmet meals, I couldn’t stop the tears. So this is my life now. Going to a store, alone, picking up some frozen dinners and cat food. That life sounds so lonely and empty. Yet that is my new life. At that moment, in front of the frozen dinners, I felt so sad and beaten down. I remembered how often we used to come here, pick stuff out together, hold hands while walking through the aisles. We never went down the frozen food isle, because we always had so much fun making things together. Standing there now, left me feeling downright miserable and angry at the world.

While making my way through the store, I walked by an isle that contained a guy standing in it, looking at whatever he was looking at. As I walked by, he immediately looked at me, made eye contact, and smiled. That frightened me and made me walk by faster. I don’t want any guy to look at me. I haven’t had my hair cut in months, wasn’t wearing any make up, and my husband just died. I’m sure I was a package to look at. It occurred to me, that he may have been interested. Or maybe he thought I was a crazy person. It’s a toss-up. Regardless, that sent me flying to the checkout area. What if he actually made a point to say something? I’m sure I would have just collapsed right there in the middle of Target and sobbed on the floor. I don’t want any guy to look at me. I want my Brandon. I want him to look at me and smile. I don’t want to have to walk through Target alone.

I ended up leaving Target with the following items: cat food, cat litter, a big box of wine, coffee creamer, and some frozen dinners. Yup, oh how the mighty have fallen, and how sad and pitiful that combination of items is. I’m now the lonely crazy cat lady. The other thing that made me cry today is the fact that I had to use a shopping cart to take all this crap to the car. Brandon would always carry the heavy cat litter and most of the other bags. He was sweet like that. We never really used shopping baskets to take anything to the car. I sobbed again when I got home and had to make two trips to get all of this crap into the house – because I’m alone, and the stupid cat litter is too heavy to carry with everything else.

Now I’m back at the couch, contemplating if I want to sit here and get drunk or drive out to the beach and spend a good while crying and screaming there. Oh the tough decisions.