I’ve been thinking about how to start this blog for a long while. What am I trying to say? What am I trying to accomplish? Who in the world is going to be interested in reading my ramblings? Then I remember myself, almost five years ago, feeling so alone, broken, and confused, frantically searching for any small glimmer of hope, of understanding. I don’t remember very clearly the first handful of weeks after I became a widow, but what I do remember is how completely and utterly alone I felt. There was no one in my immediate circle of family and friends who knew what it was like to suddenly have a dead husband; no one in my life knew what to do with a 23 year old widow. I felt like I was suddenly dumped on an island out at sea and its population was me. So I grabbed my laptop and I held on for dear life: I googled anything and everything I could about widowhood. I was searching for the answer of how to survive this hell I suddenly found myself trapped in, how to go on, how to continue living.
While I didn’t find any clear cut answers, I did find others…others like me. Others who were widows and widowers, others who too were suddenly thrown on the island to fend for themselves. I no longer felt quite as alone, there was, after all, a world full of people like me. I gained a membership I never wanted to a club that no one wants to join, but the members of this club were some of the kindest and warmest people I’ve ever met. With a simple click of my mouse, I was surrounded by people of all ages who knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking because they have been there. I was alone in my daily life, but through the computer I was one in a community filled with thousands. Knowing I wasn’t alone and that I wasn’t actually going crazy, just drowning in grief, made all the difference for me. I read blogs and widow forums religiously during that first year – knowing there were those out there who got it helped me survive, helped me crawl forward. I wouldn’t be where I am today without it.
So that is my why. I want to do for someone else what was done for me during some of the worst days of my life. If sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings throughout this process of widowhood will help just one person out there, then it’s all worth it.