The Start

  I've been thinking about how to start this blog for a long while. What am I trying to say? What am I trying to accomplish? Who in the world is going to be interested in reading my ramblings? Then I remember myself, almost five years ago, feeling so alone, broken, and confused, frantically searching for any... Continue Reading →

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A dark beast in the shadows

04/04/2015 Entry I had a panic attack today. It has been over a year since I’ve had one. It was brought on by what is known as a “trigger” in the grief community. The things you learn on this journey... Will and I were watching a TV show, and one of the main characters was... Continue Reading →

Fear

03/11/2015 Entry This morning I woke up to the news channels talking about the UH-60 Black Hawk that crashed overnight from Eglin Air Force Base and the 11 presumed dead that were on board. It’s interesting how experiences change us, mold us into something completely new. Two and a half years ago I would have... Continue Reading →

The 2 year deathaversary

02/28/2015 Entry Last night I had a dream Brandon was in. These don’t happen often. Like the others, this one left me sad and in tears. PTSD is funny that way. I don’t remember exactly the circumstances of this dream, but here’s what I remember: whatever I was doing, he was there, alive. I saw... Continue Reading →

Avoidance behavior

02/17/2015 Entry My therapist, Wyette says she’d like to see me journal more. So, whatever. I guess I can put more effort into here. Well, today, because she keeps saying how I need to stop my avoidance behavior, I went and got my taxes done where Brandon and I had them done for a few... Continue Reading →

Valentine’s day tulips

02/14/2015 Entry Brandon and I didn’t celebrate too many holidays, but the one holiday that was always special for us was Valentine’s Day. He and I met each other on January 8, 2008. During the “getting to know each other” process that first month, he found out about my love for tulips. On our first... Continue Reading →

Christmas tree

12/02/2014 Entry I need to make writing a priority again. There’s so many different emotions and thoughts that run through me every day, and instead of processing them like usual through writing, I just let them go. I shouldn’t. Wyette once told me that I should make it a goal to write something every day,... Continue Reading →

The weight of regret

10/21/2014 Entry Since the last time I wrote, I’ve taken some new steps that will (hopefully) be good for me in the long run. I started seeing a therapist again. Her name is Wyette. I’ve only had two sessions with her so far, and I’m drawn to her like a moth to a bright, shiny... Continue Reading →

The chasm keeps growing

08/20/2014 Entry I feel so far away from Brandon, from the girl I was then, from that life I used to have. I don’t know how else to phrase it: it feels like who I am now and who I used to be before Brandon's death are standing on two different cliffs, and the chasm... Continue Reading →

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